Dreamer

I’ve been called a dreamer many times throughout my life. My primary school teacher used to tell my parents I had a habit of daydreaming during class. I’d be right there, awake….but in my own world. This continued right through secondary school, college, and even right here in university. In addition to this, I sleep very very deeply. Many many times people have been banging down my door or calling my phone trying to wake me up for class or some other event, and I would sleep right through it. Not only do I sleep deeply, I sleep for a very long time. I have actually slept for an entire day....meaning a full 24 hours. I don't need to be tired or sleepy or anything….i can just sleep. I’ve realized I sleep deeply because I dream very intently. Some people may have simple dreams of events or a specific thing, but my dreams are very complex and involving. They usually depict some alternate reality of what actually happens when I’m awake. Embarassingly, I must confess that I have had such good dreams that I wake up accidentally and miss class to go back to sleep and see it through. They’re that good, lol. Depending on the dream, I actually wake up feeling happier. 

I know this is a bad habit, but sometimes I really can’t help it. The lure of my bed and the wonderful world that awaits me is sometimes wholly irresistible. Have u ever just looked around, like really looked around and seen whats out there? Men cheating on their women, women cheating on their men, people lying to each other, people hating each other and secretly betraying one another. Best friend sleeping with best friend’s man, friend stealing from friend, friend secretly hating on friend’s relationship. People hating other people for absolutely no reason, and wishing bad on others because someone wished bad on them once. 

<sigh> The amount of crappy things out there are much too numerous to mention. I really do wish that I could leave it all behind and go far away, but I can’t. Every day I wake up and I see the same shit happening over and over to different people. The same looks of happiness at first, the same looks of sadness later. The same looks of resolve and anger, vengeance, indifference. After a while, when you really look at some people….they’re just empty. There is no real happiness in them….no real hope or optimism. They just fall in line like everyone else and continue the cycle because they don’t care anymore. Girls who’ve been cheated on being friends with, and still screwing the guy that cheated on them and really don’t see a problem. Guys that have been cheated on and still sleep with and do nice things for the girl that cheated on them even though she doesn’t care about them other than to satisfy whatever needs she has at the time. Girls that are in a relationship with a guy they supposedly love and all they can do is sit and wait and look for signs that he’s cheating so she can fuck him up. The guy that sits in his relationship oblivious to the fact that his girlfriend is having sex with everyone but him.

<sigh> People say that life sucks, relationships suck or that love sucks…..I disagree….people suck. Every one of us in some way or other, suck. We don’t really love ourselves, and in effect we don’t love each other. We usually follow a pretty empty existence. “What makes me happy right now?” is the question we're always asking. "What makes me feel good this moment?".

Maybe I’m the wrong one. Maybe I’m just the odd one out that doesn’t get pleasure from the same things that other people do. Maybe I should, but there’s something wrong with me that prevents me from enjoyng it. When you have a girl that you know loves you, and would do anything for you, and you still go off and sleep with someone else knowing how much it would destroy her…maybe I should agree with you that its worth it cuz the sex was good. When you sleep with a guy, then with his friend, then with another guy, then back with the first guy all because sex is fun, maybe I should agree with you that there’s nothing wrong with that, cuz fun is fun. When you see your friends in a relationship and theyre happy and trying to be good for each other, maybe I should agree that its worth it to tell one of them some shit that happened in the past to make them unhappy. Why? Because I’m unhappy right now and their happiness is ‘sickening’. 

Well maybe I’m wrong, but that’s just the way I am and I don’t plan to change. I don’t believe in any of that. I like to see happy couples regardless of what one of them did months or years ago. Once they’re trying now, I feel happy for them. Sex isn’t always special, and yes, sometimes its just all in good fun. I don’t disagree with that, but honestly, you shouldn’t be so indiscriminate. Not to sound like a geezer, but girls especially, should believe that their body is a pretty desirable place. This is evidenced by the insurmountable number of men that want to be with u physically. This is why I don’t understand why you sell yourself short and sleep with men that u know aren’t really worth it. A girl once told me that its because you get so used to all the crappy men, u lose hope in finding a ‘good’ one and since you get horny like everyone else, u just make due with what you have. I guess I can’t fault you for that. A guy once told me that he sleeps around on his gf because he can’t know what she does when he’s not there, and since woman so lie and bad, he might as well. I guess I can’t fault him for that either because he has a point. Cheating isn’t as bad as I once thought it was. After you’ve been around enough people, and see enough things, you start to realize that there really is no such thing as an innocent victim. If a girl cheats on a guy, that guy probably cheated on some girl, or wanted to, or tried to or whatever. Same thing the other way around. So whatever. To each his own. Personally, I don’t want to be a part of that game. There have to be other people like me who don’t like that whole thing. Who actually just want to be with someone they can trust and who cares about you enough not to hurt you even if you deserve it. There has to be, and I’m not gonna stop looking for her, lol. I’d rather be alone than be a part of that everyday cycle of drama, lies, indifference and anger. I’d rather be alone than empty. I’d rather be awake than asleep. Right now, though, being asleep is much more pleasant. I hope someday that changes. I don’t want to be a dreamer forever. I want to want to be wakeful, alive and happy. 

I want someone to wake me up and keep me awake.